Known Knowns

This month has been ridiculous. So ridiculous that I haven’t even been blogging, which means it’s been really ridiculous.

I had the worst day today that I’ve had in a long time. We got a huge vet bill from boarding Roland over the weekend. He tested positive for giardia again despite being vaccinated, and they treated him again despite the fact that he didn’t respond last time. They gave him a bath but they didn’t trim his ten-foot-long toenails, which was part of the deal. They didn’t put him in doggie day care like we requested, so he was probably kenneled most of the weekend. And on top of that, he’s lost weight and muscle mass (probably because we haven’t been exercising him enough since I started school) and now they think he has pancreatic insufficiency and want him to have a $200 blood test to prove otherwise, even though I pointed out that he doesn’t have the main symptoms: constant diarrhea that is grey and slimy, and a total lack of energy from not getting any nutrients. Quite the opposite: he’s hyper to the point of me wanting to euthanize him (I’m kidding) and his poop is solid aside from when he gets emotional about something. So I’m pretty frustrated with the vet right now.

After that, I went to a new dentist who’s advertisement stated that she had lots of cool stuff for people who have dentist-phobias. It was cool that I got to watch Barack Obama on the ceiling, yes, but I was going to get out of there cavity-free until they used a frickin’ laser beam that showed that I had a cavity that was so small it wasn’t showing up on an xray yet. Bleh. Frickin’ laser beams.

Then I went to the post office and apparently bumped into the rudest woman in my life who told me that my mother would be sorry if she knew she’d raised me with no manners. This was after I evidently bumped into her twice without realizing it, although there were about 40 people in line. I set her off when I accidentally put a piece of paper over something of hers while we were sharing a tiny space to write addresses on. I had a few choice words for her, but her young daughter  (or niece or whatever) was there so I refrained. I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to swear, and how loudly, too. Mostly, I just wanted to tell her that she better hope and pray that she is never my patient. Karma will beat that woman over the head some day, preferably with a large blunt object. I probably wouldn’t have been so pissed, and would have been ultimately more clever, if I hadn’t been having such a bad day to begin with. If there’s a god, he or she was without a doubt testing me today. I believe I passed when I chose not to tailgate that woman all the way home or sic my German Shepherd on her.

After that, I went to the dog park, and I swore that if anyone jacked with me, I was really going to lose my temper. It happens very rarely but it can be quite earth shattering. Luckily, everyone got my vibe and stayed away.

I hope you’re all having a better day than I am. Admittedly, I feel much better after an hour of hard kickboxing. I hope to post more in February and it won’t all be negative, either!

When I was a little kid, I wanted to be Katie Couric. Or, maybe an actress or an orthopedic surgeon. Or a writer. Or a psychologist, lawyer, nurse, or tap dancer. I really wasn’t that different from any other kid.

As I grew up, life took me places and my dreams changed. I took my ACT in high school, did moderately well, and went on to study theatre, as many moderately-well scorers might do, at least until their parents threaten to stop their funding unless they change their major to biology. Still, it wasn’t a terribly atypical teenaged dream, really.

Until today, I thought that my childhood aspirations were special, or at the very least, semi-interesting. That was, until I read an article today about a pair of twins who received perfect scores on their ACTs. It’s rare enough that one person gets a perfect score (according to the article, it’s only one in 4,000) but to have identical twins who receive honestly perfect scores, well, that’s something else. Although ACT scores certainly aren’t everything, it takes more than your average dingbat to do well on them. You don’t get a perfect score out of luck. These boys certainly have the world at their feet, and many exciting decisions await them.

I continued reading the article, assuming they would be attending Yale, Harvard, or some other out-the-butt expensive school. The type that has a Crew and Sailing team, and where famous-but-kind-of-washed-up people like Burt Reynolds make the commencement speech. That type.

The twins suprised me with their apparent desire to attend a small, private school like Creighton. No shame in it, thought lowly-achieving, 75th percentile ACT scoring I. In fact, good for them. I happen to be a huge fan of small private schools, having attended one myself, and quite enjoyed it despite the fact that I wasn’t able to participate in lightweight Crew and despite the fact that the commencement ceremony music was a previously recorded harpsicord.

I continued to read the article, interested to hear about the aspirations of such intellectually-blessed high schoolers. Certainly they didn’t want to be Katie Couric or a tap dancer, but maybe a doctor or a lawyer? That’s the type of thing I expected.

The boys continued to exceed my expectations. While one of the boys; Ross, did express a desire to become a doctor or a psychiatrist (and lord knows we need more psychiatrists), the other twin, Brian, was the one who’s response made me blink at least twice.

Brian, evidently, has always dreamed of becoming…drumroll please…

An actuary.

After my double-blink, I had to look up what an actuary is. Or does. I guess I’m not alone in my perceptions of this career, as there is actually a  website called beanactuary.com with an entire section devoted to “What is an Actuary?” just in case you happened to be googling random phrases and this one popped into your head. (Like “strategery.”) Apparently, an actuary is a “career without boundaries.” And, in case you’re wondering, here’s a little bit of text that I stole directly from beanactuary.com :

The future is full of uncertainty. Some of the events that can happen are undesirable. “Risk” is the possibility that an undesirable event will occur. Actuaries are experts in:

• evaluating the likelihood of future events,
• designing creative ways to reduce the likelihood of undesirable events,
• decreasing the impact of undesirable events that do occur.

And just so we’re clear, I did not add those bullet points for effect. But it is reassuring that the word “risk” is defined for you, isn’t it?

I would just like to say that if there is a real, live actuary reading this post, or if one of these magnificently scoring twins has stumbled upon this blog, I certainly mean your profession absolutely no harm. It’s just that as a writer, I am constantly on the lookout for things that amaze me. I have never met an 18-year-old who wants to be an actuary.  Professional football player? Yes. Actuary? Huh.

As much as I jest, after Brian receives his B.S.A (Bachelor of Science in Actuariness) he is undoubtedly going to be making a crapload more money than I will ever hope to make wiping the butts of the patients in my care.  My own high school aspiration as a theatre technician involved pointing a high-powered lightbulb at someone’s face. Brian is light years ahead of me. No, I can definitely see how actuariosity would be a much cushier, cleaner, and financially more stable career. I wish Brian much luck in his quest for actuariness, and I invite him to flick a booger onto the windshield of my 1992 Toyota Corolla with the screaming alternator belt, when he flies past me in his bright red, leather interiored Ferrari, with the sexy-voiced GPS, and which will, of course, have not a speck of dog hair on it because the servants take care of the pets, no doubt.

I still don’t really know what an actuary does, but I also just want to say that if it has anything to do with calculating the rate on my life insurance policy, then I take back everything I said and I’m thrilled and completely unsurprised that someone with your brains and talent is choosing a career of this magnitude. Best of luck to you, Brian, and may your life be full of risk-free riches. I have no doubt that actuaries have really bitchin’ office parties.

• POLITICS: I don’t appreciate John Kerry’s endorsement of Barack Obama. It just seems snide. Although there’s obviously no rule that he has to endorse John Edwards. ::sigh:: I also don’t appreciate Hillary Clinton’s good ol’ cry. I don’t begrudge her the cry, itself, but I trust her so little that I can’t fully believe that she didn’t do it on purpose.

• DEATH: I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately, since we recently had the pediatric hospice lecture, and there is a kid on ECMO in the NICU where I’m working who is about to bite it. (If you don’t want to click on the link, ECMO is basically a last-ditch form of bypass where machines control the heart and the lungs entirely.) I’m not a religious person. I try to be spiritual. But mostly, I need to put my thoughts together regarding this issue because I’m only going to see more of it, where I’m going. I only know that I don’t believe the actual event of dying is painful. Maybe everything leading up to it is, but not the death, itself.

• GUITAR HERO: My husband is officially obsessed but I’m not quite there yet. I do enjoy it, though. One of the things I plan on doing when I finish school is picking up my guitar again. I’d like to take lessons, too. Come to think of it, I need to make a list of things I’d like to do when I graduate, because the official day is December 12, 2008. Just had to slip that in. Don’t ask me what it has to do with Guitar Hero.

• HARRY POTTER: Warning: Spoiler alert. Move on to the next blogbit if you haven’t read them. I finally finished all seven, six months after I began.The final book was good but you can definitely feel it getting more “Moviefied” by the end. The very last chapter, though, made me want to toss the book into a fiery pit. Everyone had grown up and named all their kids after the characters that died. It was quite possibly the most contrived chapter I have ever read in my life. Other than that, the series was fine.

• SCHOOL: Oh, c’mon. I couldn’t do a blogbit without mentioning it. I’ve finished my first week in the neonatal intensive care unit and I actually surprised myself by really enjoying it. Two weeks to go, and hopefully next week I’ll have a baby in an isolette who’s a little more sick. Is it weird that I prefer ‘em sicker, no matter what?

• ROLAND: Poop. Haha. Gotcha. He’s fine. Not liking the fact that I’ve been so busy this month, but he’ll live. We have started leaving him out of his crate for short periods of time while we’re out of the house. I’m please to report that he has neither killed a cat or had explosive diarrhea.

I apologize for my total lack of posts. I actually have been posting a bit more on my nursing school blog, but still…

I had planned on spending a few more days on the couch than I actually did, after the knee surgery. I recovered a lot faster and thus, a lot of my plans for things to do never materialized. Well, here’s to fast recoveries! :::clink:::

After that, I was whisked away to my parent’s house in Kansas City where I did very little posting mostly because I was spending so much time with my most darling niece. I flew home on January 1, and was at school by 9:00am on January 2. We had eight hours of lecture that day, eight hours of hospital orientation the next day, and eight more hours of lecture yesterday, bringing me to today.

I may have to take January off from this blog, as I am going to be totally inundated with nursing school. January is my intensive pediatric clinical and so I may not have much else to talk about besides being in the NICU at the Children’s Hospital. I dunno. I’m going to do the best I can at posting once a week or more, but if this week was any indicator, I just don’t know if it’s going to happen.