Grown up things
I’m not that old, but all the change in my life during the past few months (coupled with being complete couch-bound for several weeks after knee surgery) has made me kind of introspective. One topic keeps popping into my head.
Money.
I’ve had a job for years. I worked full-time, by choice, during most of high school. Besides babysitting money, my first real job probably started when I was 16. I worked part-time during most of college, full-time during the summers. I’ve had a lot of weird jobs. Silverware polisher, website designer, stray animal care taker, wedding dress salesperson, telemarketer, not to mention any number of interesting gigs I held in the theatre industry. In high school, I made decent money because I wasn’t paying rent. Same for college.
I always figured that I would make enough to get by, and that would be fine. I never had any big dreams of being rich, driving expensive cards, or eating cavier a’la Tom Hanks in “Big.” Hell, I don’t even like cavier. I wouldn’t make a very interesting rich person, anyway. My butler would ask for my dinner request, and I’d say “how about some chicken fingers? And while you’re at it, can you polish my Crocs?”
However.
I’m approaching my upper 20’s and my life has changed.
I recently met up with a good friend from years past who commented on all the “grown up things” I was doing, including having a mortgage, making quilts, and baking my own bread. I admit that 10 years ago, I never would have placed myself in the situation in which I now find myself, but it doesn’t mean I’m not fairly pleased with myself and what I’ve become.
These days, I feel like I find myself on the brink of a new life, and this mostly has to do with the fact that I now have a career; the ultimate “grown up” thing. I find myself more accepting of who I am, more laid back regarding what has been and what’s to come. And I find myself enjoying my money. This last last one sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well, it kind of suprises me.
I’ve started to care about boring things like my retirement plan, even though it’s decades away. I find myself making plans to stay with my company eternally, to take advantage of the early retirement plan I could have. I find myself keeping a close eye on savings, and generally looking forward ways to maximize my own monetary potential. How can I make more money in my field?
I never thought I’d give a crap, to be honest. Funny what happens when we grow up.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not (yet) a miser. I don’t do things soley because I’m influcned by the amount of money I can make. I don’t take bribes. I didn’t marry my husband for his money. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it’s definitely more on my mind than it used to be, and now, as a grown up, I understand the importance of good, solid finances. I’d also be lying if I didn’t admit to the fact that one of my favorite hobbies is sitting on my ass dreaming of what I’d do with a bazillion dollars.
Maybe it’s the economy, or maybe I’m just getting old.
2 comments April 12, 2009
Reality hits
Yesterday and today were mostly good days. I got everything I wanted from my surgeon, meaning:
1. Clearance to go back to work on Monday (I can’t yet, but at least it’s my decision now, not his.)
2. Permission to toss the giant knee brace. (And I slept 12 hours my first night without it. Take that, immobilizer!)
3. Permission to progress to full weight bearing as tolerated. Right now I’m barely tolerating it, but I figure that’s pretty damn good after 5 weeks on crutches. My leg feels like a weird combination of lead and marshmellows. It is totally worthless when it comes to holding me up, at this point.
With all that exciting news, I also got my driving priviledges back, and my first drive was not to Costco like I predicted, but to my first physical therapy appointment. My knee is actually in relatively good shape considering what it has been through. I have a little more than 90 degrees of passive flexion, and despite the swelling and pain, the joint feels “loose” according to my PT.
So, I thought it would be a good idea to go back to the gym today, now that I’ve been out of my brace for 24 hours, or so. 
Most of you are probably already realizing that stupidity of that decision. But I am stubborn and bullheaded and had to go to the gym (on crutches) and see for myself. Then my world promptly came crashing down, because I realized what a long. slow. recovery this is going to be.
Long. Slow. Recovery.
I used to do Crossfit. It’s intense. I was in great shape. My resting heart rate was in the low 50’s on a bad day. I could do hundreds (yes, hundreds) of squats in one workout. I could do a couple of dead-hang pullups. I could deadlift more than my bodyweight. I was getting really strong. Then, six weeks ago, I had knee surgery.
I can barely walk through Costco (on crutches) without getting winded. I can’t even do 1 single squat. Hell, I can’t do one half of one squat. I sure as hell can’t deadlift. I doubt I have the strength to do any pullups.
It’s kind of crushed my world to be so inactive for so long. I’m slightly hyperactive by nature, and Crossfit has served a lot of purposes, both physical and emotional. Today was a hard reminder that I absolutely cannot screw this knee up again (at least not the meniscus) and so I am going to have to sacrifice my intense level of activity for a few months. To me, that feels like an eternity.
So, I bought a cheap pass to my local rec center. It was only $60 for 3 months, provided I only show up during certain hours, which is fine, because I don’t like fighting thousands of children doing cannonballs into the hot tub, anyway. I can swim. I can pool walk against the current in the lazy river. I can do upper body and core strengthening. The chicken leg will remain that way for awhile longer but I’ll do what I can until the day comes when I can do what I want again.
It was kind of a depressing couple of hours for me. I took the moment to wallow. I have these days; every once in awhile I will just sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself. I figure we’re all entitled to a few moments as long as it doesn’t become a habit, right? Today I had my moment. Tomorrow will be better!
4 comments March 25, 2009
What to expect when you’re expecting (meniscus repair surgery)
There seem to be suprisingly few personal experieinces of meniscus repair surgery out there, at least on the web. So here are my recommendations.
Briefly, here’s what happened to me. I’ve had 2 partial lateral meniscectomies and a “saucerization” to make my discoid meniscus a more normal shape (to prevent more tears,) all on the right knee. (I should also mention the very successful scope on my left knee. I’ve had no other problems, although we know from that surgery that I do have a discoid meniscus on that side, too. ) In hindsight, these procedures were not big deal and they did allow me to get back to exercising normally. However, approximately 36 hours before I took my boards for my nursing license, I rolled over in bed and locked my knee for the 4th time. After a trip to the ER, a splint, lots of narcotics, and a lidocaine injection, my really pissed-off surgeon wiggled my leg around until something finally popped and I was “free.” And by the way, I still passed my boards on Friday the 13th.
It seems that meniscus repair surgery is actually kind of difficult to anticipate. When I say “repair,” I mean suturing, not taking pieces out. Surgeons don’t always know if they can repair a tear until they have you on the table. I read somewhere that 90% of tears can’t be repaired, anyway, because they aren’t in the peripheral (vascular) zone of the meniscus. I don’t know how accurate that number is. Anyway, my hope is that your doctor prepared you for the possibility of a repair, versus a meniscectomy. In the long term, it’s a better option if it can be successfully performed.
Doc called my surgery a “complex meniscus repair.” There was actually no tears this time, but the thing was hypermobile, detached from the knee capsule, and moving all over the place, hence the magical locking knee. So, he stitched the whole thing down. As he put it, there were “millions” of stitches in there. (I believe the actual number was 10.) I went in expecting another meniscectomy and 2 weeks off work. I woke up with a giant knee brace and crutches for 5 weeks. It’s kind of hard for me to take care of patients while on crutches, so I’ve been off work now for over a month. I’m now 5 weeks post op and hoping to transition to full weight-bearing next week.
Anyway, it is a surgery that truly sucks due to the extreme restrictions that your surgeon may put on you. There is some controversy over the progression to full weight bearing. Some docs are allowing their patients to ditch the crutches a lot faster. My guy was super-conservative, probably for a lot of reasons, but despite being out of work, I’d rather him be too conservative and never have to have another surgery versus the opposite. Nevertheless, being crutch-bound is annoying as hell.
Here are a few things I would recommend.
1. Do your PT exercises. Tighten your quad to make sure it still exists even if it’s weak and small and chicken-leg-eske. Pump your ankles like hell. If you’re not weight-bearing, there’s no other way to get the blood moving, and you don’t want to end up with a DVT or even a mild case of phlebitis, ‘cuz it hurts (at the least.)
2. Take your pain meds. Do it! If you don’t like your narcotics, call the office and get something else. There are tons of options. NSAID’s help with inflammation, and will thus decrease your pain. I took tramadol for awhile and had some good luck with it. If you get naseous, that’s no excuse. Report it to your doctor and get something else. If you’re just sitting around in pain, you’re certainly not healing. It also makes you crabby and when your spouse has suddenly become responsible for everything, they don’t really want to deal with your attitude.
3. Stool softener. 2 per day while you’re on narcotics. Keep it up as long as you’re on crutches. The narcs will totally plug you up, and being immobile doesn’t help at all. Go to Costco and get the giant container of Colace, or whatever. Borrow it from your grandmother. Whatever. I make no apologies for this statement. Dignity is overrated. Take your damn stool softener.
4. Prepare yourself for terrible sleep. If you’re not a flat-on-your-back sleeper, you may become an insomniac in the giant knee brace. This has been one of the worst side effects for me. I love to sleep, and now I lay awake in bed all night long, sometimes. I don’t even like going to bed. I curse my surgeon’s name for taking away my ability to sleep. (As soon as the brace goes, I’m going to bed for a week.) This surgery better work, because I am really not interested in sacrificing 5 more weeks of sleep.
5. Ask for help! People love to hold doors for people on crutches, and you need them to do it, anyway.
6. Try to enjoy your down time. Ha!
Add comment March 23, 2009
An Update on all things Roland
You may recall that I previously spent a lot of time talking about my dog, Roland, or more specifically, his poop. I have had a couple comments lately about him, so I’d like to give you all an update.
Roland is alive and very well, and will turn 3 this September. So, technically he’s closer to 3 than 2, since his half birthday would have been in March. I only know this because my birthday is also in September, and I am painfully aware that I am closer to twenty-seven than twenty-six.
I’ll start with the bad. There are times when he is woefully understimulated. I just graduated from nursing school, and the last few months were hard on him. Hell, the whole ordeal was hard on him, since he went from being at my side all day long (back in the days when he came to work with me) to having to spend a lot more time in his crate. Also, nursing school does not really lend itself to a schedule. At all. The minute you think you have a plan, it all gets blown to hell. The lack of schedule was also really difficult for him, and he responded behaviorly. He’s never been a chewer, but instead he would refuse to eat, lunge at the cats, pace and pant constantly, bark at the neighbor dogs, and guard the house excessively. Josh built him a pen outside so he could be out there more, but he started digging and barking even more.
What we learned while I was in nursing school is that Roland is a people dog. He wants to be near his people, and nothing else really matters. He is very unhappy when he has to spend long hours in his crate (duh) and doesn’t like to be in the backyard alone. Sounds obvious, right? I just think that he’s really sensitive to my schedule, in particular, and I attribute this to the fact that he is obviously extremely attached to me, in particular (from all those days in the office.)
Healthwise, Roland is doing much better than when he was a puppy. Recall that he had endless diarrhea for the first year of his life. We took him to the vet numerous times, where he tested positive for giardia and got the vaccine and then tested positive again. Waste of money, anyone? At one point, they wanted to test him for pancreatic insufficiency, which would have been a disaster, not to menion the fact that they wanted $300 for just the damn blood tests. (Some vets in Boulder are extortionists.)
When I heard that news, I started doing my own research. One day, I took him to a specialty dog food store and talked to the owner. She asked me what I’d been feeding him, and after I reeled off the list, she simply stated, “He’s allergic to wheat. You just need to get a wheat free food.” So, we switched his food to Natural Balance Duck and Potato. He had solid poop about 24 hours later, and hasn’t gone back to chronic diarrhea since. Yes, he does have the occasional loose stool, mostly when he is stressed out about something. But the solid poos I used to envy are now mine to pick up in my own backyard. Not only that, but he’s put on a lot of weight and looks and acts much healthier than during his first year of life. So, to any dog with chronic diarrhea, may I suggest a ridiculously expensive pet food that is wheat free? Oh, I forgot to mention that we have recently added green beans or pumpkin, and sometimes a glob of raw meat, to his meal, which he gobbles up.
Since I like to end positively, here goes. Roland is super-smart and very sensitive. He is amazingly well-behaved with small children. He loves puppies and plays well with other dogs, although he rarely plays these days, preferring to chase his tennis ball. He is very protective of me, which I love. I always feel safe in the house at night with Roland around. He travels very well; we took a 20 hour car trip to Ohio this past Christmas and he loved every minute of it. The only thing he’s ever chewed was my mouthgaurd that I wore for teeth-grinding. He just never puts his mouth on things that aren’t his, even when he’s frustrated or stressed.
I don’t know that we will ever get another German Shepherd after Roland, to be honest. He is an exceptional amount of work and I hate the feeling that I’ve failed him when I come home from a 12-hour shift. However, I don’t think we could have gotten any luckier with this guy. He certainly has his problems, and is not a perfect dog. But he’s always sad to see us go, always happy to see us, and I don’t know that I could ask for a lot more.
1 comment March 22, 2009
What’s on my Kindle App this week
Sorry for the abundance of iPod-related posts. One of these days I’ll get over it.
Here are the book exerpts that I’ve downloaded (for FREE) this week for my iPod Kindle App. Granted, I haven’t actually purchased any books. I’m making a very careful selection because I don’t have a lot of money to be spending on books right now, so I have to choose wisely until I start getting a regular paycheck again (thanks, knee surgery.)
Outliers (Malcolm Gladwell) I loved The Tipping Point and I thoroughly enjoyed Blink. I have been meaning to check out this new one for awhile now, and have high hopes.
The Year of Living Biblically (A.J. Jacobs) I heard about this awhile ago when I asked some friends for reading recommendations. It’s the experieinces of a guy who, for an entire year, lives his life by taking the Bible as literally as possible. Sounds intriguing, no?
Handle With Care (Jodi Picoult) To be fair, I never finished My Sister’s Keeper, but I need to find more room in my life for fiction. I thought that by combining fiction with my favorite thing to read about (medicine or healthcare of any sort) it would make it more palatable. It obviously didn’t work for My Sister’s Keeper but I’m willing to keep trying.
Wishful Drinking (Carrie Fisher) This is a humorous memoir by Princess Leia. My hubby said that John Stewart liked it. I’ve actually already read the except (which was really short) and was mildly (if not suprisingly) amused. I’m keeping this on my “possible purchases once I have a salary” list, because she strikes me as blunt and highly intelligent; two qualities which I greatly respect.
Match Day (Brian Eule) I don’t know. I have this weird obsession with the culture of medicine. Not nursing. Medicine. Maybe it’s because I’m a nurse. Maybe it’s because a long time ago, I wanted (very seriously) to be an orthopedic surgeon. I have no idea. But the whole lifestyle just fascinates me. I read this exerpt right away, too, and I plan on buying this book sooner rather than later.
And If I Perish: Frontline U.S. Army Nurses in WWII (Rosemary Neidel-Greenlee) Well, since I already mentioned I’m a nurse, this one shouldn’t come as any suprise. I also happen to work at a VA Medical Center, which has changed my outlook on basically all things militant. I have a new appreciation for female vets, in particular. This is clearly a heavy read. I’m only partially through the exerpt but I’m pretty sure this one is also staying on the list.
Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered smart ass or why you should never carry a Prada bag to the unemployment office (Jen Lancaster) Catchy title, right? God, I can’t believe I’m even putting this in my blog. This is quite possibly the worst first chapter of a book I have ever read in my life. The only reason I kept reading is because I simply could not believe how poorly written it was. I kept believing it was all a joke and the next page would be the “real book.” What a waste of 10 good minutes that I will never get back.
That’s it for now. As long as I’m home recovering from knee surgery, there will be immense amounts of time for me to continue checking out amazon.com/kindlestore for all the free chapters I can fill my spare time with. I’ll try to keep you posted.
1 comment March 18, 2009
A List of Things I Do With My iPod Touch
It’s been months and months and months since I’ve posted here, but frankly, I’m just not ready to say goodbye to Knownknowns.org. I don’t know what this means for the frequency of my posts, because I do have another blog on which I post regularly. For now, I hope you’ll just put this little guy in your feed reader and stop by when there’s new stuff. Like today, for example!
Here’s a list of things I do with my iPod touch, in no particular order. Lately, I’ve been finding more and more ways to incorporate this little gadget into my daily routine. The pricetage is hefty, so finding more things to do with it somehow assauges my guilt about the original purchase (almost a YEAR ago! Holy hell, the app store didn’t even exist back then.)
1. Listen to music that I own. I’ve loaded 125 of my own albums onto this thing. I have strange and varied tastes in music, so this allows me access to whatever I want, whenever I want. Let’s hear it for instant gratification.
2. Listen to music that I don’t own. I am referring to Slacker Radio and Pandora, both of which are free apps. I use both, depending on my mood. Slacker is better for personalization, Pandora is better to just listen with no fuss. If I’m not listening to my own stuff, you can almost guarantee that I’m streaming something, instead.
3. Make lists. Because I have this thing with me almost everywhere I go, I can “write” things down that would otherwise go on post-its that would otherwise get lost. A list of my list includes: books to read, music to buy, places to travel, gift ideas, recipes, TIVO list, organic dirty dozen, and of course, the to-do list. I am a big fan of list-making so having this little guy handy allows me to make them, keep them, and even make use of them.
4. Buy my groceries. A long time ago, when the app store just came out, I spent $3.00 on a little guy called “ShopList.” It allows me to make grocery lists, track the price of items in my cart, and if you’re me and you don’t delete anything, you can keep track of individual item prices. It makes shopping way more fun. I feel smug, and I never, ever lose my iPod the way I always lost the piece of paper with all my groceries on it.
5. Watch videos and podcasts. I’ve watched full-length films on airplanes, and video podcasts on busses. It doesn’t hurt my eyes, and despite the fact that I hate iTunes, they do have a good selection of movies and TV shows for when I’m travelling and need to stock up. Rent ‘em or buy ‘em. You choose.
6. Show off pictures of my niece and nephew. With 32 gigabytes of space, I don’t worry too much about running out of it. So, I put thousands of pictures on here in the photo albums section. I can whip this baby out of my pocket ala annoying-grandparent-style, only with better technology. I literally store thousands of photos on here.
7. Work safely in an intensive care unit. I have purchased a combination of subscriptions, freeware, and cheap apps to help me do my job as a nurse. I can look up any drug, lab value, disease process, or bit of medical terminology, not to mention the variety of calculators I use, the EKC guide to help me work through strips, and tons more. There are a lot of really great medical apps coming out. A lot of really stupid ones, too, but there are some definitely gems.
8. Play games. I don’t play a lot of games, but they are there when I need them. And I have needed them. I don’t really like to pay for games, either, so I’ve found a couple good free ones that I enjoy.
9. Find my way in a dark room. I installed the “Flashlight” app (free) for a lark, but believe it or not, I’ve actually used it more than a couple of times.
10. Eat healthy seafood. There’s another free app called “Seafood Watch” that helps me make the best choices when I’m buying fish. It kind of goes along with my lists, but this one is a fancy app from a respected source.
11. Read books. I have been experimenting with the iPod Kindle App, also free, and I have to say that I like it about 85% of the time. Sure, it has its quirks, but one feature that I love is that I can download a couple chapters of every book for free, that way I save money by not buying a lot of books that I end up hating. It’s a good feature for a picky reader such as myself. I also friggin’ love the convenience of having a couple of books loaded up. I tested it yesterday, while waiting around for someone to pick me up. I just turned on my iPod and started reading. Again, I felt kind of smug and high tech, but I also really enjoyed having a book to read.
12. Maintain my Facebook addiction. I don’t always have wifi access on my Touch, and I just downloaded the Facebook app yesterday, but it will come in handy one of these days.
So there you have it. Twelve in-depth reasons to have an iPod touch. The one thing that is conspiciously absent from my list is of course, make phone calls and surf the web. I can do the latter, but not the former. And as for the latter, I don’t do it a whole lot, although I have,so maybe that should be #13.
To sum it up, I love my iPod Touch more every day. I hate iTunes with a passion, and think it’s the worst piece of software every written. I don’t particularly care for Apple, itself, or the teenagers they stock their stores with. But I can appreciate a good product; that’s one that continues to grow with you, instead of growing stagnant and then ending up on Craiglist when the next piece of technology comes along.
4 comments March 16, 2009
Holy Friggin Cow
It’s TOMORROW.
OMG OMG OMG. I am giddy with excitement. This morning I woke up confused (not uncommon) and thought “Shit! It’s election day! I’m due at the polls at 6:30am!” I had to keep telling myself it wasn’t the big day…yet.
Lucky me, I got a prescription for a good ol’ fashioned sleeping pill and tonight it gets a test run. Originally intended for school, pre-election day jitters also demand treatment.
I’m working the polls all day and tonight I met the people I’ll be working with. I think we’ll get along great, as one is a nurse practitioner and one is a social worker, and both agree that it ain’t rocket science, despite the best intentions of our high strung leaders. Although the organization, at my level, has been chaotic and utterly stupid, I couldn’t help but think “Holy crap! There are small, grass roots organizers all over the country having this same meeting right now. Wow.”
Tomorrow will be history, no matter what, and we’re all going to be part of it.
1 comment November 3, 2008
Brr.
I guess it’s time to kiss the summer goodbye. The last two days have been rainy, cold, and grey. For whatever reason, I lack the ability to maintain my own homeostatic temperature. I’m almost constantly cold, except on the hottest summer days. Winters are hard on me. I am most comfortable when my house thermostat reads 78 degrees. By 75 degrees, I put on long sleeves. Today our thermostat has been at 66 pretty much all day. I don’t like to pay for extra heat, so I just layer up. And so, two hot showers later, here I sit wearing flannel pajama bottoms, a long sleeved t-shirt beneath a fleece sweatshirt beneath a giant fleece “snuggle snack” which is essentially a zip-up blanket with arm and leg holes, and my fleece hat. I am also drinking hot tea. Suprisingly enough, my fingers are warm enough to type. My husband often refers to “My Wife, the Reptile,” which alludes to my preference for warm, sunny rocks. Well, those days are over. Boohiss. Until next year, summer.
Changing subjects. I am exactly 60 days from graduation! That’s two months, or eight weeks, or really, no time at all.
Add comment October 12, 2008
Check back with me in 5 years
Today I was talking to someone who told me she could “tell things” about people, just by their handshake. She had actually shaken Barack Obama’s hand at a recent rally, and told me that he will get elected and won’t get assassinated.
So, of course I asked her to shake my hand!
Here are the predictions:
1. The very first thing she said was that I was going to make a lot of money, to which I responded, “well, I’d certainly never turn that down.”
2. The next thing she said was “Do you write a lot? Do you have a blog?” I did a google search for my name and also checked all the emails I’d ever sent her, for any hint of blogging. There were no obvious signs. Being a skeptic, I am not yet totally convinced that she knows, somehow, but she also said the money would come from writing, and probably from a blog.
3. She then said that I would someday run my own business, and although it would be very hard work, I would be very successful in 5 years.
4. Finally, she said the local City Council would have something to do with my success. I wonder if local politics is in my future. Considering that I was the President of the most failed chapter of Toastmasters in the history of the United States, again, I am skeptical.
You read it here, folks. Check back in 5 years.
1 comment October 7, 2008
Ah, dentist, how I loathe thee.
Having a couple of friends in dental school, I frequently find myself wondering why anyone would choose such a profession. Wouldn’t you rather be a proctologist or a podiatrist or hell, even that guy who holds the stop sign at a construction site? I have a long and sordid history with dentists that began very early. I simply refuse to open Pandora’s Box of Utter Hatred, but will simply begin with this statement: I freaking hate going to the dentist.
Moreso than most people, I might add.
In December, I’ll have lived in Colorado for four years and in that time, had as many dentists. I try hard to get a checkup every six months, but I have high expectations for my providors, and so it goes.
Dentist #1 was a nasty old crab who yelled at me for not flossing. As a full fledged adult, I don’t take kindly to dental lectures of any sort, so this was a major turn off. (And by the way, I do floss.) It didn’t help that when they called my name at reception, I stood up too fast and fell flat on my face, landing with a thunk so loud that even Senora Nasty came waddling out of her office to see what had happened. That should have been my first sign.
Dentist #2 was actually my favorite. His reception had a really comfortable leather couch and People Magazines, even the latest issue, so I wasn’t forced to read Golf Digest or Knitting Today. He was also very nice and had a good sense of humor, until he tried to charge me $600 for a night gaurd to prevent teeth grinding. Well, I guess he did have a sense of humor because when I asked about a payment plan, he explained that I could use the installment plan of two payments of $300. Welcome to Boulder. Bye-bye.
I found Dentist #3 via a flier in the mail that advertised fear and pain-free dental services. She was a new practice. Seemed nice enough despite also trying to selling me hundreds of dollars of preventative care that I “must have.” Even told me that I didn’t have any cavities until her hygenist used some frickin’ laser beam on my molars and had to retract that statement. Word to the wise: that is illegal. My tender dental psyche couldn’t handle the retraction. I cried on the way home and decided not to go back.
I’m not sure what the future holds for Dentist #4, whom I’ll be gracing with my presence next week. The picture on his website is extraordinarily dorky, with handlebar mustache and everything. I can only hope everything in his office isn’t that nasty, dentisty, lime-green color. You all know what I’m talking about.
I plan on having a frank talk with Dr. Handlebar Mustache about my expectations, which I admit, are unusually high. It might go something like this:
Hi. My name is Caroline. I’m terribly afraid of dentists to the point of losing sleep weeks before I actually step foot in an office. I will probably be the worst patient you ever have, not in terms of mouth care, but in terms of attitude and presentation. In fact, my mouth care is almost pristine and I expect you to tell me so numerous times. I require lots of positive reinforcement. I expect not to be lectured about flossing or brushing, although you are welcome to offer helpful suggestions. Please don’t “accidentally” hold the plaque-picker-upper right near my eye while I am strapped to a cold leather chair, so that I might see how much crap you’ve scraped off and therefore what a poor job I’m really doing. Please don’t ask me a question while my mouth is open. Please don’t try any sales pitches on me. Please don’t tell me I have no cavities then have to take it back. Please use breath spray before you lean over me and also feel free to trim the edges of the ’stache because I don’t take too kindly to that kind of thing in my nostril. And finally, please don’t send me a text message reminder of my next appointment. I don’t need you infiltrating the rest of my life, as well as my mouth.
Wish me luck.
1 comment October 3, 2008
